one can only hope

i can only hope i'm exorcising a spirit.

i'm not sure what step this is in the "Getting over a breakup" process, but here i am.  i wish i knew what catalyzed today's thoughts of him/us/it, but this was the 1st time i felt anything other than pissivity.  as a matter of fact i suffered an attack of the "maybes".  

like maybe i read the situation wrong.  maybe, when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship--after a year--i was supposed to tell him it was ok, and i would be there when he was.  maybe i was supposed to just let him "do him", maybe i should have known he was "going through something".  or maybe all those thoughts are wrong, maybe i should have known this nigga wa'nt bout shit from day 1, maybe i should have been more pragmatic with my affections or used my knowledge of probability and statistics to deduce that the end would be more or less just exactly like this.

i think about his arms a lot, how it felt to hold him or lie with him or play wrestle w/him, just so i could reaffirm his strength.  nostalgia glosses over the messy details.  

the truth is that i have no regrets.  i can't say i wish i never loved him.  it was a lesson to learn, & given my track record, i still think he was a step in the right direction.

i knew he would break my heart.  but not like this.  i thought we would grow together. the heart is a muscle.  all muscles get broken down so they can regrow stronger.  i figured we'd both do our share of heartbreaking, and that it would make the love stronger.  he told me i was what he wanted, i believed him. he said he loved me, & i felt that.  this is what fucks my mind: not knowing.  how do you love somebody 1 day & the next, not give a fuck?  not even half a fuck?

he was what i wanted.  i felt fulfilled. i felt safe w/him. not in the sense of him protecting me from danger, but that i could just be me. and that i was enough for him, "flaws & all."

today is the 1st day i thought of him with anything other than hatred.  i feared the coming of this day, but it's not so bad.

now the day i fear is running into him with his wifey or girl du jour.  but i can't run from that.  i'm not going to be alone forever, why would i think he would be?  i just hope whenever that run-in happens, i'll just breathe through it all and handle it with grace like my mother would.  

thank GOD his dick was little.  as uncertain as i may feel about the prospect of love in my future, i have absolute certainty that the next person i fuck will have a bigger dick--so at least there's that to look forward to.

 if i met someone just like him right now, i definitely wouldn't talk to that guy.  that's supposed to prove that i learned from this experience, right?

 this is why empathy is sometimes fucked up: if you understand someone, you understand why they do what they do.  even if it's fucked up.

it just sucks to know that someone has hurt you more than you could ever have hurt them.  

most of the married people i talk to, say relationships only work when 1 person loves the other more...b/c that's the person who does all the compromising--and that it usually works best (in hetero relationships) when the guy is the one who loves the woman more. it seems true to me that a man may claim he wants a woman who would do anything for him...but the woman he wants to be with is the one that HE would do anything for.

but i dunno about any of that.

i guess i'm still in denial.  i have no idea who that man is.  he's not the worst person, not the worst boyfriend.  but he is a stranger to me. he's no longer in my life.  the love i have for him exists only in the past.  i can't ignore the fact that i'm still stung by the situation, but it will pass.  every second i spend marinating in my heartbreak is another minute i'm not doing what i need to attract what i want for my own life. and no one is worth this much of my energy.  

and all "maybes" aside.  he really is a dick, though.  there's no 'maybe' about that.  so, as hurtful as it was, i'm glad he DID act like a complete asshole...shows me that a breakup was inevitable.  it's just like wow nigga...you did THIS...to ME??!

so where do we go from here?

andy bellefleur summed it up best:  "i'm sober. i'm lonely.  and i could love someone. if they let me."