one can only hope

i can only hope i'm exorcising a spirit.

i'm not sure what step this is in the "Getting over a breakup" process, but here i am.  i wish i knew what catalyzed today's thoughts of him/us/it, but this was the 1st time i felt anything other than pissivity.  as a matter of fact i suffered an attack of the "maybes".  

like maybe i read the situation wrong.  maybe, when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship--after a year--i was supposed to tell him it was ok, and i would be there when he was.  maybe i was supposed to just let him "do him", maybe i should have known he was "going through something".  or maybe all those thoughts are wrong, maybe i should have known this nigga wa'nt bout shit from day 1, maybe i should have been more pragmatic with my affections or used my knowledge of probability and statistics to deduce that the end would be more or less just exactly like this.

i think about his arms a lot, how it felt to hold him or lie with him or play wrestle w/him, just so i could reaffirm his strength.  nostalgia glosses over the messy details.  

the truth is that i have no regrets.  i can't say i wish i never loved him.  it was a lesson to learn, & given my track record, i still think he was a step in the right direction.

i knew he would break my heart.  but not like this.  i thought we would grow together. the heart is a muscle.  all muscles get broken down so they can regrow stronger.  i figured we'd both do our share of heartbreaking, and that it would make the love stronger.  he told me i was what he wanted, i believed him. he said he loved me, & i felt that.  this is what fucks my mind: not knowing.  how do you love somebody 1 day & the next, not give a fuck?  not even half a fuck?

he was what i wanted.  i felt fulfilled. i felt safe w/him. not in the sense of him protecting me from danger, but that i could just be me. and that i was enough for him, "flaws & all."

today is the 1st day i thought of him with anything other than hatred.  i feared the coming of this day, but it's not so bad.

now the day i fear is running into him with his wifey or girl du jour.  but i can't run from that.  i'm not going to be alone forever, why would i think he would be?  i just hope whenever that run-in happens, i'll just breathe through it all and handle it with grace like my mother would.  

thank GOD his dick was little.  as uncertain as i may feel about the prospect of love in my future, i have absolute certainty that the next person i fuck will have a bigger dick--so at least there's that to look forward to.

 if i met someone just like him right now, i definitely wouldn't talk to that guy.  that's supposed to prove that i learned from this experience, right?

 this is why empathy is sometimes fucked up: if you understand someone, you understand why they do what they do.  even if it's fucked up.

it just sucks to know that someone has hurt you more than you could ever have hurt them.  

most of the married people i talk to, say relationships only work when 1 person loves the other more...b/c that's the person who does all the compromising--and that it usually works best (in hetero relationships) when the guy is the one who loves the woman more. it seems true to me that a man may claim he wants a woman who would do anything for him...but the woman he wants to be with is the one that HE would do anything for.

but i dunno about any of that.

i guess i'm still in denial.  i have no idea who that man is.  he's not the worst person, not the worst boyfriend.  but he is a stranger to me. he's no longer in my life.  the love i have for him exists only in the past.  i can't ignore the fact that i'm still stung by the situation, but it will pass.  every second i spend marinating in my heartbreak is another minute i'm not doing what i need to attract what i want for my own life. and no one is worth this much of my energy.  

and all "maybes" aside.  he really is a dick, though.  there's no 'maybe' about that.  so, as hurtful as it was, i'm glad he DID act like a complete asshole...shows me that a breakup was inevitable.  it's just like wow nigga...you did THIS...to ME??!

so where do we go from here?

andy bellefleur summed it up best:  "i'm sober. i'm lonely.  and i could love someone. if they let me." 

love & sex

i'm antsy in my panties.  

no idea what to do about that, since i actually have no desire to be a hoe...or a home-wrecker...so that rules out random dick, as well as friendly dick since the male acquaintances i would get down with are all boo'd up.  

i kinda miss being with someone.  this is kinda counter-productive, b/c i'm still a little bitter.  and my self-esteem leaves a lot to be desired.  

i really would like to move on from my last relationship. i have quite a few lingering negative emotions.  some anger.  resentment.  feeling a resolute inability to gauge whether someone is trustworthy or not.

 i feel like i was just a pawn in some emotional chess match he was playing against himself.  & i just got caught up in the shit, thinking it was real life, but it was just a game.  an entertainment.  stimulation for his mind.  some shit to do, to add a little color and pussy to his otherwise lame ass nigga life.  

this is the hump i can't get over.  at minimum, you think a person has basic human respect for you.  you're doing shit like listing this person as your emergency contact.  and then the next day they're all whoopi goldberg ghost on that ass.  and why?  you'll never know.

 (i feel like the family put me in the position to "do something" because something was "wrong" with him and i was supposed to keep trying to "get through to him" but...that nigga looked just fine the last time i saw him, & i was going through my own shit which he clearly didn't give a quarter of a fuck about. so he and his issues can all kick rocks.)  

game-playing is worse than just lying.  a lie you can figure out.   but when someone is playing a role...it's real until the show is over.  and by the time you realize that you were really just the audience, the curtains have fallen, the lights are on, the actors are no longer on the stage....it's too late.

so moving on.

i just need to relinquish this bitterness...i feel pretty sure i shouldn't be looking for another relationship--as much as i want that...but i dunno how to date for fun...it kinda seems like giving up.  like i'ma just half-ass some shit til something better comes along.  this 1 guy  i started talking to before my hiatus seems cool though...it's just hard...my vag is almost as selective as my heart...i just can NOT do wack sex.  i gotta have chemistry.  & i at least need some potential...my vag is a little more open-minded than my heart is...but i haven't even been meeting guys that excited my choch, much less my relationship censors...

i guess it's a good thing i found my vibrator on top of the dryer in my parents' basement...i'm clearly gonna need it.  

in the mean time going to try to direct this love-neediness inward...and work on creating a self i love more.

Rock Bottom

Apartment hunting with an eviction within the past 6 months is a dangerous game.  It means you're pretty much gonna have to live in the hood.  There will be probably be roaches.  If not rats.  and hoodrats.  And mildew.  And unresponsive maintenance.  Quite possibly a gargantuan security deposit.  hopefully the neighborhood d-boys are the nickel & dime variety rather than the type to brandish AKs.  

But I have to find a place I can afford...whatever that means.

Trying to figure out how to "budget" when you have a job where you never know what your hours are going to be from week to week, & how soon your student loans will kick in...is a joke.  Or a guessing game.  

 How did I get here?

I am a recent flunk-ee? flunker? flunker-outer-of? flunk-out-of-er??  of a master's program that I began 2 years ago.  So close to finishing, but now I will have to basically start over.  I have a dead-end job that I don't hate, but is completely & utterly worthless & has no benefits except the fact that I haven't been fired yet.  I am currently renting a room in my aunt's house, because I had to walk away from my old place.  Yay, now in addition to unpaid medical bills, I have an eviction on my credit report.  Go me!
 It's been 2 months since the guy I thought would be my husband & father of my kids (seriously) told me he "wasn't ready for a relationship", right as I was about to give him this awesome ultimatum about how I loved him but was willing to leave him if he didn't give me what I deserved.

Is that irony? Or just just inevitability?

Either way, I'm a little heartbroken on a few accounts.  Feeling like I know I'm the shit, but I could use some proof.

I'm also probably on the fatter side of "thick", another issue weighing on the self-esteem.  And last week I had the 2nd worst job interview I've ever had in my life.

I can only go up from here, right?

a friendly reminder to love yourself as you are

must-read books, non-fiction version

a friend of mine recently asked me to suggest "10 books everyone should read".  This is my non-fiction version (+1 b/c me & following rules are hardly friends):

• When God Was A Woman--Merlin Stone
• The Warmth of Other Suns--Isabel Wilkerson
• Martin & Malcolm in America--James Cone
• A People's History of the United States--Howard Zinn
• Super Freakonomics--Levitt & Dubner 
• Multiple Intelligences--Howard Gardener
• Dead Aid--Dambisa Moyo
• They Came Before Columbus--Ivan Van Sertima 
• The Communist Manifesto--Karl Marx
• The Four Agreements--Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Checkbook & the Cruise Missile --Arundhati Roy 

This is by no means a comprehensive list.  These are not my 10 favorite books.  Just 10 books I think add a necessary perspective to life as we currently know it.

I would love to know what 10 books other people would put on their list...

on my list to read:
lucille clifton
lies my teacher told me
the confederate & neo-confederate reader
Africans in America
The Living Blood
& Re-Reading the 4 Agreements

Underrated (Musical) Artists

This happens to me a lot.  I'm out somewhere, or I'm listening to the radio (public or independent stations) and hear an artist I've never heard before...and discover that I've JUST missed their live performance in town.  Happened to me with Carmen Rodgers.  Her voice just makes me want to smile...even when she's singing a song of love gone wrong.


Next, is Detroit's Own:  Invincible!
I don't check for her like I should...but she's 1 of my favorite artists.  And even after all these years, I can say there's no where else in the world I'd rather be than Detroit in the summer time...
I've had the pleasure of seeing Invincible perform live a few times while living in the D...she puts on a great show, with mad energy.





And finally...Atlanta's own...Crushed Ice!  I've also had the pleasure of seeing them perform...I love them...the 3 of them are so incredibly talented and so humble (and funny)!




support good music!

southern fried poetry slam june 8th-june 11th, 2011

just got the volunteer e-mail...really looking forward to all the talent, creativity, and passion i will be experiencing in just a week :)



schedule posted here

yasmine hernandez & gaining one's definition

i was looking for images of Ifá Goddesses: particularly Oya, Yemaya, & Oshun. Just for myself. I think it's important to be able to conceptualize of God as myself. Thankfully at my church, I have been learning more about African spiritualities and feel greater encouragement to see myself in & as a manifestation of God.



I am totally buying this print when I move.    I love the fullness of womanhood represented her by the shape of the woman, & by yemaya's & oshun's joined hands.

http://www.yasminhernandez.com/yemayayochun.htm

a 13" x 19" is only $40!!!  Are you kidding!!???



This is a painting of Oya...certainly is beautiful.


These images were painted by Yasmine Hernandez, a Puerto Rican artist from New York.  Her work is spiritual, political, cultural, afro-affirming, and beautiful.

Her picture, and an excerpt from her "Artist's Statement" are below:

ARTIST STATEMENT Photo: Ivan Gartner 2009

Quests for personal, spiritual and political liberation inform the content of my work. Exploring alternative surfaces, patterns and fabrics as political signifiers, I paint the clandestine histories of marginalized communities. Each figure—whether a freedom fighter, a spiritual deity, or my mom—is disenfranchised and battles to rise above. I portray them as the warriors and sacred beings that they are. My palette often references the pantheon of Yoruba deities prevalent throughout the African Diaspora, where each is associated with a force of nature and its corresponding color. For example, Yemaya is the blue ocean and Shango is red fire. I turn to my own family’s spiritual and cultural ancestry for aesthetic principles that compliment the socio-political content of my work.

Just thought I'd throw in this Common Joint...Gaining One's Definition is what it's all about...




Favorite line:  Understanding and wisdom became the rhythm that I played to 
And became a slave to master self 


,You can find out more about Yemaya, Ochun, Oya & all the other Orishas here.

influencers

INFLUENCERS FULL VERSION from R+I creative on Vimeo.

love this lady

the piece speaks for itself.  when i'm not at work i will edit to post some of my favorite lines.

big krit

it's safe to say i'm on this man's nuts.

he writes, produces, & raps his own shit & i love him as a package deal.  the passion in his voice, the soul in the music, the content of the lyrics, the bump in the bass always creates something beautiful.  in every song.  even if he is talking about kickin a bitch out of his car for not wanting to fuck--which i hate.  i went to his concert in atlanta BY MYSELF--real outta character--that's how much i'm on his nuts.

krit wuz here dropped last april, available for FREE download http://www.livemixtapes.com/mixtapes/12049/krit_wuz_here.html

i have at least ten "favorite" songs off that album, but here's one of them.





here's his 1st single off the new album, droppin FOR FREE, on March 22nd...i love this shit...just smooth




Return of 4eva...droppin March 22nd...can't wait

Purpose

i need to add creativity in my life.  right now my time is pretty much dedicated to work and school.  what i will post in here will mostly be other people's art:  music, spoken word, written poetry & prose, pictures, drawings, paintings, hairstyles, fashion, jewelry, graffiti, sculptures, and any other art i encounter.

to the extent that i am able, i will give all credit to the artists whose work i put up, but since this isn't a money-making endeavor, nor anything i anticipate for any large group of people to see, it shouldn't be a problem.

if i feel so inclined, i may post some of my own work. 

my interest is more skewed towards artists in detroit & atlanta, & the south more generally.  

this is nothing deep, just an online repitoire of creative work primarily by people of African descent. I will also include news articles.

 I'm going to be meticulous with the tagging, b/c i want to be able to reference things when i need to.