almost 30 blahs

hi, my name is -name withheld- and I have no friends.  I also have no life, but that's another matter.  on the days I don't hate my job, I abhor the little income I make.  My life partner and I live upstairs in a bedroom at my parents' house.  I am a teacher at a school that is apparently fueled by disfunction.  my partner is an amazing artist whose talents have led him to an hourly position at a chain grocery store. 

on most days, I am able to swallow my pride and count my blessings with a spirit of genuine gratitude.

then there are days like today.  where I feel I must either do something drastic (like hop on an empty car on a freight train) or something even more drastic, like start a drug habit.  I am not suicidal--mostly because i'm not convinced that whatever is next will be better, partially because I know that the few people who do care about me, care about me enough to be substantially hurt if I were to end my own life and partially because i'm somehow convinced that just maybe, if I keep waiting, or keep "trying", something will change.

i am tired. 

i try to convince myself that with some experience, i will actually be an effective teacher.  even when i have no hope for myself, i have hope in my students.  i hear others complain, but i honestly believe most of my students are the best people on earth.  so at least there's that.

there's my love.  i know he fights off despair about how hard he's worked and how talented he is, and how little he has to show for it.  i try to be the voice of reason.  i try to encourage.  but then on days like today, i have no words.  maybe you can be an amazingly gifted human being and you die still waiting for the day when someone gives a fuck. 

i am bloated from the lies I've been told about all the things i was "supposed" to do, and the life i was "supposed" to live.  i hate the hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loan debt i continue to accrue, knowing that i could have just accepted one of quite a few full scholarships offered me for undergrad.  i am embittered at the choices i made in an attempt to show my competence, my intelligence, or just my worth to the mythical gatekeepers to my lot in life, "potential employers". 

i am dillusioned by the amount of bullshit, fuckery, ridiculousness, inefficiency, and incompetence takes place in the name of "education". 

i want something more than this.  i want an option. 

I've exhausted all the glass-half-full rationales. 

i am fat.  my feet, back, and neck ache day and night.  i have no friends.  i have no life--although it's a good thing i don't, because i don't make the money that having a life requires.  i have a partner i'm frequently too tired or stressed out to fuck, who us unable to contribute much more than his own personal spending money to our shared financial situation.  i have a job that stresses me out, that i feel inadequate at doing.  i have a mountain of debt, on the edge of a sea of debt, with a moat of debt surrounding it.  i'm sinking money into a degree i'm not sure has any relevance to my future. 

i would like to have a wedding.  nothing too elaborate but some sort of celebration.  it would be nice to have an engagement ring that doesn't turn my finger black, that i haven't paid for myself. hell, it would be nice to be able to say my partner had given me something or treated me to some sorely needed token of appreciation.
i would like to have a child, but i can't.  i'm already trying to provide for 2 on peanuts--i certainly can't support 3 lives off what i make. 

at this point i would like to just be able to address some of my health issues or maintain some level of self-care regimen without feeling guilty about the time and/or money it costs to take care of either. 

i know, "woe is me".  gross. 

maybe there is something to look forward to, but i'm not seeing it today.  i know it could always be worse.  but i could sure use some "better". 

the smoothest shit you will ever hear in your life

Zo! & Monica Blaire rep so hard for Detroit Soul in this one...that is all.

there is no magic in your wand

I hear a million justifications for the inability of (certain) men to be honest in relationships. 

"There's no pussy like no pussy."

"A man is always gonna want to fuck other women."

"For every beautiful woman, there's a man who's tired of fucking her."

Phonte--whom I greatly respect as an artist and a man--even says the same on his latest cd "Charity Starts At Home."  My male friends recite these facts over and over again, to explain their wandering eyes, lack of fidelity, fear of commitment and why we as women must accept this.  Some men get all pseudo-historical with it, citing the history of humankind and the prevalence of polygamy in ancient and non-western societies.

they reduce us to pussy, and themselves to brainless dicks void of integrity.

Now I'm not saying monogamy is "right".  Nor do I think it is perfectly synonymous with commitment. 

but come the fuck on.

we don't think about other men????

  do they think their girlfriends' "love" for them blinds them to the length or girth they lack?  or if he's mr. mandingo does he think a big stick alone will keep his woman's mind from wandering?  

FELLAS:

that special thing you do...with your tongue. or when you're face deep, humming.  or rotate your hips, toss salad, pinch, bite, kiss, suck, flip us over, long stroke, switch angles, refer to yourself as 'daddy' and want us to do the same, tell us how juicy it is, kissing us on our "spots" that you've worked so hard to find, asking whose is it, the smacking, the gripping...all that shit...that you think makes you soooooooooo amazing in bed.  all that shit that a new bitch will find exciting b/c she hasn't seen the same show 500 times. it gets old.

it doesn't matter how big your dick is.  someone else's is bigger. longer. wider. faster. harder. etc.  and if you're a small fry and you think you're compensating for it with your 'head game' you're lying to yourself.  

if you can go for 3 hours there's another guy that can keep a chick in a constant state of orgasm for 6 hours.  ***i'm just talkin bout what i know.***

you pride yourself on "beating it up" and how loud your chick's moans are, but there's another nigga that understands your girl wants to be in control sometimes and lets her dominate him, and there's another nigga that intuitively knows how to alternate, and ANOTHER nigga that can get your chick to do freaky shit she would NEVER EVER do with you, and another nigga who is never too tired to give her some, and takes joy in putting HER to sleep.

there's another nigga whose foreplay is so on point that he can give her multiple orgasms while they're both still fully clothed, and another nigga that "got it like that" and doesn't have to do shit but whip it out and she's already wet.  there's a nigga whose dick is so pretty she fantasizes about just looking at it, holding it, putting her mouth on it...a dude whose mouth feels like heaven, a dude who loves the taste of her crack, the feel of his tongue in her mouth, her hair between his fingers, her toes in his mouth, his balls between her thighs.  there's a guy she's taken off work or driven hundreds of miles just to fuck.  there's a guy who thinks she's "the best he's ever had" and will never be a stranger...he doesn't give a fuck that y'all live together, are married, what children y'all have, or how much you love her.  there are men who make her feel like she is the sexiest bitch alive even in sweats, flip-flops, and a ponytail.  there are men who never have to ask if she came or how many times.

there's a man who was the 1st man to ever show her she could thoroughly enjoy sex. the 1st guy to bring her to orgasm. 

and there are an infinite number of men who can fuck your girl and satisfy her more than you ever could.  period.

but it's not all about sex.

there's a man she loved just as much as she loves you if not more.  there's a man whose children she wanted to have before she had yours.  there's a man right now waiting for you to fuck up, so he can take her off your hands.

 no matter how fly you are, there's someone flyer will fuck your girl, be her friend, spend his money, or even fall in love with her as soon as the opportunity presents itself.  there's a man who understands her more than you do.  there's a man who makes her laugh, who think she's beautiful, brilliant, sexy, hilarious, and exciting.  there's a man who stimulates her and enjoys her conversations, and cares about the intimate details of her life.  

there's a man who's never disappointed her, never cheated on her, never insulted her, never hurt her, never argued with her over dumb shit, never pushed her away, never taken her for granted, never abused her, never made her feel like less than she was worth, never lied to her, never raised his voice at her, never made her feel insecure or that her feelings weren't important, never broken her heart.  

if she's faithful he may be an old friend she hasn't spoken to in years, an ex she let go, or he may be a man that she has purposely kept herself from engaging or even meeting b/c she's with you.  and she may not want him.  but he's there. and there are many of him.  

and no matter how committed she is to you, she thinks that maybe this man  whose stories and jokes she's never heard, is a man whose interest in her is genuine, who wants to give as much as he takes, who thinks she's beautiful and will say so, thinks her dreams are important, would be proud to call her his own, understands that relationships require effort to maintain, and wants to make her happy in and out of the sack and realizes that his commitment is to HER, not her pussy.

and there's another man. he may be a dog, player.  he might not have shit going for him but a 6 pac, pretty teeth, and the ability to fuck the shit out of her.  he may be honest or he may play games, but either way he knows his role and he performs it well.  and if you piss her off she might respond to a text.  call him.  have dinner.  she might end up face down, ass up while he licks whipped cream off her cheeks. 

but she stays with YOUR ass.  not because you have a "magic stick".  not because of your looks, how successful or how much of a "catch" (you think) you are.  not because of your jokes, intelligence, your money, your education, your talent or how "real" you keep it.  

she's with you because she sees some un-nameable thing in you that makes her love you. whether that love lasts for ever or just a while, she's made a commitment to you.  and it's not perfect.  but you aren't either.  and there are millions of imperfect niggas just LIKE you out there, and some are just like you but better/freakier/richer/more emotionally stable/with bigger dicks,  but you are the ONE person she chose to be with.  and it is a CHOICE.

 it's not fate, it's not your "swag".  it's a DECISION she made to look past your faults and her own, & consciously be with you.  to make your relationship a major factor in her life.  to care about you.  to look good for you.  to please you in whatever ways possible.  to trust you enough to tell you her needs, and when they aren't being met.

this is not a men vs. women thing.  but if men think they have the monopoly on getting bored fucking the same person for too long, y'all have shit irrevocably fucked up.  

for every "good man" there's a woman who's tired of his dick AND his bullshit. 

one can only hope

i can only hope i'm exorcising a spirit.

i'm not sure what step this is in the "Getting over a breakup" process, but here i am.  i wish i knew what catalyzed today's thoughts of him/us/it, but this was the 1st time i felt anything other than pissivity.  as a matter of fact i suffered an attack of the "maybes".  

like maybe i read the situation wrong.  maybe, when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship--after a year--i was supposed to tell him it was ok, and i would be there when he was.  maybe i was supposed to just let him "do him", maybe i should have known he was "going through something".  or maybe all those thoughts are wrong, maybe i should have known this nigga wa'nt bout shit from day 1, maybe i should have been more pragmatic with my affections or used my knowledge of probability and statistics to deduce that the end would be more or less just exactly like this.

i think about his arms a lot, how it felt to hold him or lie with him or play wrestle w/him, just so i could reaffirm his strength.  nostalgia glosses over the messy details.  

the truth is that i have no regrets.  i can't say i wish i never loved him.  it was a lesson to learn, & given my track record, i still think he was a step in the right direction.

i knew he would break my heart.  but not like this.  i thought we would grow together. the heart is a muscle.  all muscles get broken down so they can regrow stronger.  i figured we'd both do our share of heartbreaking, and that it would make the love stronger.  he told me i was what he wanted, i believed him. he said he loved me, & i felt that.  this is what fucks my mind: not knowing.  how do you love somebody 1 day & the next, not give a fuck?  not even half a fuck?

he was what i wanted.  i felt fulfilled. i felt safe w/him. not in the sense of him protecting me from danger, but that i could just be me. and that i was enough for him, "flaws & all."

today is the 1st day i thought of him with anything other than hatred.  i feared the coming of this day, but it's not so bad.

now the day i fear is running into him with his wifey or girl du jour.  but i can't run from that.  i'm not going to be alone forever, why would i think he would be?  i just hope whenever that run-in happens, i'll just breathe through it all and handle it with grace like my mother would.  

thank GOD his dick was little.  as uncertain as i may feel about the prospect of love in my future, i have absolute certainty that the next person i fuck will have a bigger dick--so at least there's that to look forward to.

 if i met someone just like him right now, i definitely wouldn't talk to that guy.  that's supposed to prove that i learned from this experience, right?

 this is why empathy is sometimes fucked up: if you understand someone, you understand why they do what they do.  even if it's fucked up.

it just sucks to know that someone has hurt you more than you could ever have hurt them.  

most of the married people i talk to, say relationships only work when 1 person loves the other more...b/c that's the person who does all the compromising--and that it usually works best (in hetero relationships) when the guy is the one who loves the woman more. it seems true to me that a man may claim he wants a woman who would do anything for him...but the woman he wants to be with is the one that HE would do anything for.

but i dunno about any of that.

i guess i'm still in denial.  i have no idea who that man is.  he's not the worst person, not the worst boyfriend.  but he is a stranger to me. he's no longer in my life.  the love i have for him exists only in the past.  i can't ignore the fact that i'm still stung by the situation, but it will pass.  every second i spend marinating in my heartbreak is another minute i'm not doing what i need to attract what i want for my own life. and no one is worth this much of my energy.  

and all "maybes" aside.  he really is a dick, though.  there's no 'maybe' about that.  so, as hurtful as it was, i'm glad he DID act like a complete asshole...shows me that a breakup was inevitable.  it's just like wow nigga...you did THIS...to ME??!

so where do we go from here?

andy bellefleur summed it up best:  "i'm sober. i'm lonely.  and i could love someone. if they let me." 

love & sex

i'm antsy in my panties.  

no idea what to do about that, since i actually have no desire to be a hoe...or a home-wrecker...so that rules out random dick, as well as friendly dick since the male acquaintances i would get down with are all boo'd up.  

i kinda miss being with someone.  this is kinda counter-productive, b/c i'm still a little bitter.  and my self-esteem leaves a lot to be desired.  

i really would like to move on from my last relationship. i have quite a few lingering negative emotions.  some anger.  resentment.  feeling a resolute inability to gauge whether someone is trustworthy or not.

 i feel like i was just a pawn in some emotional chess match he was playing against himself.  & i just got caught up in the shit, thinking it was real life, but it was just a game.  an entertainment.  stimulation for his mind.  some shit to do, to add a little color and pussy to his otherwise lame ass nigga life.  

this is the hump i can't get over.  at minimum, you think a person has basic human respect for you.  you're doing shit like listing this person as your emergency contact.  and then the next day they're all whoopi goldberg ghost on that ass.  and why?  you'll never know.

 (i feel like the family put me in the position to "do something" because something was "wrong" with him and i was supposed to keep trying to "get through to him" but...that nigga looked just fine the last time i saw him, & i was going through my own shit which he clearly didn't give a quarter of a fuck about. so he and his issues can all kick rocks.)  

game-playing is worse than just lying.  a lie you can figure out.   but when someone is playing a role...it's real until the show is over.  and by the time you realize that you were really just the audience, the curtains have fallen, the lights are on, the actors are no longer on the stage....it's too late.

so moving on.

i just need to relinquish this bitterness...i feel pretty sure i shouldn't be looking for another relationship--as much as i want that...but i dunno how to date for fun...it kinda seems like giving up.  like i'ma just half-ass some shit til something better comes along.  this 1 guy  i started talking to before my hiatus seems cool though...it's just hard...my vag is almost as selective as my heart...i just can NOT do wack sex.  i gotta have chemistry.  & i at least need some potential...my vag is a little more open-minded than my heart is...but i haven't even been meeting guys that excited my choch, much less my relationship censors...

i guess it's a good thing i found my vibrator on top of the dryer in my parents' basement...i'm clearly gonna need it.  

in the mean time going to try to direct this love-neediness inward...and work on creating a self i love more.

Rock Bottom

Apartment hunting with an eviction within the past 6 months is a dangerous game.  It means you're pretty much gonna have to live in the hood.  There will be probably be roaches.  If not rats.  and hoodrats.  And mildew.  And unresponsive maintenance.  Quite possibly a gargantuan security deposit.  hopefully the neighborhood d-boys are the nickel & dime variety rather than the type to brandish AKs.  

But I have to find a place I can afford...whatever that means.

Trying to figure out how to "budget" when you have a job where you never know what your hours are going to be from week to week, & how soon your student loans will kick in...is a joke.  Or a guessing game.  

 How did I get here?

I am a recent flunk-ee? flunker? flunker-outer-of? flunk-out-of-er??  of a master's program that I began 2 years ago.  So close to finishing, but now I will have to basically start over.  I have a dead-end job that I don't hate, but is completely & utterly worthless & has no benefits except the fact that I haven't been fired yet.  I am currently renting a room in my aunt's house, because I had to walk away from my old place.  Yay, now in addition to unpaid medical bills, I have an eviction on my credit report.  Go me!
 It's been 2 months since the guy I thought would be my husband & father of my kids (seriously) told me he "wasn't ready for a relationship", right as I was about to give him this awesome ultimatum about how I loved him but was willing to leave him if he didn't give me what I deserved.

Is that irony? Or just just inevitability?

Either way, I'm a little heartbroken on a few accounts.  Feeling like I know I'm the shit, but I could use some proof.

I'm also probably on the fatter side of "thick", another issue weighing on the self-esteem.  And last week I had the 2nd worst job interview I've ever had in my life.

I can only go up from here, right?

a friendly reminder to love yourself as you are