hi, my name is -name withheld- and I have no friends. I also have no life, but that's another matter. on the days I don't hate my job, I abhor the little income I make. My life partner and I live upstairs in a bedroom at my parents' house. I am a teacher at a school that is apparently fueled by disfunction. my partner is an amazing artist whose talents have led him to an hourly position at a chain grocery store.
on most days, I am able to swallow my pride and count my blessings with a spirit of genuine gratitude.
then there are days like today. where I feel I must either do something drastic (like hop on an empty car on a freight train) or something even more drastic, like start a drug habit. I am not suicidal--mostly because i'm not convinced that whatever is next will be better, partially because I know that the few people who do care about me, care about me enough to be substantially hurt if I were to end my own life and partially because i'm somehow convinced that just maybe, if I keep waiting, or keep "trying", something will change.
i am tired.
i try to convince myself that with some experience, i will actually be an effective teacher. even when i have no hope for myself, i have hope in my students. i hear others complain, but i honestly believe most of my students are the best people on earth. so at least there's that.
there's my love. i know he fights off despair about how hard he's worked and how talented he is, and how little he has to show for it. i try to be the voice of reason. i try to encourage. but then on days like today, i have no words. maybe you can be an amazingly gifted human being and you die still waiting for the day when someone gives a fuck.
i am bloated from the lies I've been told about all the things i was "supposed" to do, and the life i was "supposed" to live. i hate the hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loan debt i continue to accrue, knowing that i could have just accepted one of quite a few full scholarships offered me for undergrad. i am embittered at the choices i made in an attempt to show my competence, my intelligence, or just my worth to the mythical gatekeepers to my lot in life, "potential employers".
i am dillusioned by the amount of bullshit, fuckery, ridiculousness, inefficiency, and incompetence takes place in the name of "education".
i want something more than this. i want an option.
I've exhausted all the glass-half-full rationales.
i am fat. my feet, back, and neck ache day and night. i have no friends. i have no life--although it's a good thing i don't, because i don't make the money that having a life requires. i have a partner i'm frequently too tired or stressed out to fuck, who us unable to contribute much more than his own personal spending money to our shared financial situation. i have a job that stresses me out, that i feel inadequate at doing. i have a mountain of debt, on the edge of a sea of debt, with a moat of debt surrounding it. i'm sinking money into a degree i'm not sure has any relevance to my future.
i would like to have a wedding. nothing too elaborate but some sort of celebration. it would be nice to have an engagement ring that doesn't turn my finger black, that i haven't paid for myself. hell, it would be nice to be able to say my partner had given me something or treated me to some sorely needed token of appreciation.
i would like to have a child, but i can't. i'm already trying to provide for 2 on peanuts--i certainly can't support 3 lives off what i make.
at this point i would like to just be able to address some of my health issues or maintain some level of self-care regimen without feeling guilty about the time and/or money it costs to take care of either.
i know, "woe is me". gross.
maybe there is something to look forward to, but i'm not seeing it today. i know it could always be worse. but i could sure use some "better".
