love & sex

i'm antsy in my panties.  

no idea what to do about that, since i actually have no desire to be a hoe...or a home-wrecker...so that rules out random dick, as well as friendly dick since the male acquaintances i would get down with are all boo'd up.  

i kinda miss being with someone.  this is kinda counter-productive, b/c i'm still a little bitter.  and my self-esteem leaves a lot to be desired.  

i really would like to move on from my last relationship. i have quite a few lingering negative emotions.  some anger.  resentment.  feeling a resolute inability to gauge whether someone is trustworthy or not.

 i feel like i was just a pawn in some emotional chess match he was playing against himself.  & i just got caught up in the shit, thinking it was real life, but it was just a game.  an entertainment.  stimulation for his mind.  some shit to do, to add a little color and pussy to his otherwise lame ass nigga life.  

this is the hump i can't get over.  at minimum, you think a person has basic human respect for you.  you're doing shit like listing this person as your emergency contact.  and then the next day they're all whoopi goldberg ghost on that ass.  and why?  you'll never know.

 (i feel like the family put me in the position to "do something" because something was "wrong" with him and i was supposed to keep trying to "get through to him" but...that nigga looked just fine the last time i saw him, & i was going through my own shit which he clearly didn't give a quarter of a fuck about. so he and his issues can all kick rocks.)  

game-playing is worse than just lying.  a lie you can figure out.   but when someone is playing a role...it's real until the show is over.  and by the time you realize that you were really just the audience, the curtains have fallen, the lights are on, the actors are no longer on the stage....it's too late.

so moving on.

i just need to relinquish this bitterness...i feel pretty sure i shouldn't be looking for another relationship--as much as i want that...but i dunno how to date for fun...it kinda seems like giving up.  like i'ma just half-ass some shit til something better comes along.  this 1 guy  i started talking to before my hiatus seems cool though...it's just hard...my vag is almost as selective as my heart...i just can NOT do wack sex.  i gotta have chemistry.  & i at least need some potential...my vag is a little more open-minded than my heart is...but i haven't even been meeting guys that excited my choch, much less my relationship censors...

i guess it's a good thing i found my vibrator on top of the dryer in my parents' basement...i'm clearly gonna need it.  

in the mean time going to try to direct this love-neediness inward...and work on creating a self i love more.